So, I woke up totally hungover this morning.
I’ve been on this clean and sober streak for 24 straight days with the goal of attaining one clean year. But this morning was quite the game changer.
Thankfully I wasn’t puking, didn’t have a raging headache, and the idea of Hair Of The Dog wasn’t even remotely a option.
This hangover was like something I’ve never felt before.
It all started yesterday morning the moment I awoke. I groggily read an email that captivated me in a way that no email ever had. At first I couldn’t even believe what I was reading. I kept thinking “Is this real life? Am I still dreaming?”.
The timeliness of the email was insane.
The links I followed within the email were even more crazy.
What happened next BLEW MY MIND!
Next thing I know I’m in a comedy club (one of the ripest places for getting drunk) with the author of said email. I was excited to have a great time full of laughs and smiles.
But the laughs were few and far in between. The suicide, self loathing and depression jokes were massively abundant.
“FUCK, this is not very fun” is all I could think. Is this what it’s like being sober in a comedy club? Would a few beers make these people funny? These were a few thoughts wandering in my mind.
After 90 minutes (it seemed like 90 hours) the show ended and I was wasted! I was praying deep within this beautiful woman I was with wouldn’t’ judge me about it.
However, this wasted feeling was far beyond what I’m accustomed to. Maybe it was the previous 24 days of being clean that induced such a high? I’d never felt this tipsy before.
To be honest, I’d been high the entire day. It started right after I read that email upon waking, which then lead me to reading the excerpts of her upcoming book.
The chapters stopped me in my tracks, knocked me to the floor, and left me in a pool of tears trying to somehow piece together the experiences of my life since childhood.
Finally, it all started to make a bit more sense. I didn’t fully understand what I was reading or experiencing but I realized I didn’t necessarily need to. All that I needed to do was be appreciative of what was coming up at the present moment.
And what was rising from within rattled me like a pair of maracas in a reggae band. Shook up, confused, yet oddly feeling a strange peace I realized this buzz was the best high I’d ever felt.
I didn’t try to hold back the tears. Didn’t try to control the situation. And I didn’t try to manipulate the issue where I could feel comfortable or be the alpha man who had all the answers.
Instead I just witnessed, allowed and appreciated what was unfolding in front of me.
You see, I had been drunk not on booze, but on life that entire day.
Thankfully, this drunken state doesn’t need a 12 step program to fix anything because nothing is truly broken. You and I are complete in who we are right now. Whether you’re a recovering addict, an addict who’s currently high while reading this, an overweight person suffering with depression, or someone who feels so miserable you’ve considered ending it all, you too are perfectly complete in who you are right now.
But maybe, just maybe you’ve lost your map to that inner peace and happiness.
Seek And You Shall Find
My journey for one year sober is really just a small piece of the bigger journey I’ve been on for 19 years now. It’s a sliver of discovery in a much larger puzzle I’ve been trying to complete for a very long time.
And the be totally honest, I doubt that puzzle will ever be entirely finished because even if I do attach all the loose pieces, I’m going to want to extend the pieces to make the picture so much bigger than what’s included in the box.
I’m remember one time a guy said to me… “Bro, you don’t just live outside the box, you live outside the warehouse”.
And it’s this attitude that’ll always have me searching for the next high, the next accomplishment and the next hangover from too much bliss.